I don't know how much more I can take!

This has been a stressful week for me. My husband has had A LOT of meetings and A LOT of eating out at restaurant events. I wanted him to skip staying at a hotel but it was too ridiculous with an 8am meeting so I agreed IF he showered at home and left after the kids went to bed. He came home from work today he fought with me to drive with other people which will have him leaving a lot earlier in the day. I am so exhausted from it that I feel defeated. I can't take it. Then I find out he had salad at lunch. Okay, so we've had this conversation a million times. If you have to go out to eat then eat COOKED foods! I am so afraid of norovirus and salad is one of the most common offenders!!! The worst part is this whole thing started with him being mean to me. Once again saying how he is tired of my irrational fears etc etc. I was upset because he said he would do something then he took it away. He does this a lot and that is what makes me not trust him. He wonders why I don't trust people - this is why! I call it lying and he calls it changing plans. Whatever. To make the salad thing even worse (and I know I'm all over the place on this post) it was a buffet. A BUFFET!!

Then the icing on the cake - his parents wanted to spend the night this Saturday - NO WAY - NO WAY IS THAT HAPPENING. They want to come after some convention. I don't care. I agreed they could come NEXT month, not this month and we aren't starting this they come every month s&^% again (excuse my language), It'e been a rough couple of days. Luckily my husband said he would tell them no (after trying to make me feel bad - which I don't). Hopefully (fingers crossed) they won't stop by - please have them NOT please please please - updates Sunday night.

Neighbor Kid and The Truth

Well I decided to go with the truth about the birthday party. I just told her we were too tired and crabby to go - which was 100% true. I was exhausted today! So hopefully we are still friends. I really hope she understands. I got the gift in the mail today too.

My day was a bit stressful. I went grocery shopping and there was a woman checking out and coughing into her hand just spreading it everywhere. The cashier was helping her with her transaction (it was a self-checkout) and then she came over to help me pack my groceries. I quickly told her that I had it! Yikes! Don't spread the germs on to me lady! Then when I got home, the plow had come through (we just had about a foot of snow fall) and I couldn't get my car up the drive - bummer!

Later my husband took my oldest outside to play. I knew the neighbor kids were home this week (they are there every other week) but I just hoped they wouldn't come out. Then I heard my daughter laughing and giggling and I see one of the kids there. I opened the door and started to talk to him. I asked him how he liked having Friday off as a snow day and he said "I had the whole week off. I was sick with the flu" RED LIGHT! I quickly told my daughter she had to come in and eat lunch. She was arguing with me because she had just eaten BUT I got her in (luckily) and she said the boy didn't touch her at all. My husband confirmed they did not play together and that the kid just helped him sweep the deck. The kid went home when the deck was done then my  husband took my daughter out front and down the road to sled a bit - alone! I just had a feeling this kid was sick and he wasn't coughing so I don't think it was the regular flu, it was probably teh stomach flu! The worst trigger for me!!! I'm glad I trusted my mommy instincts and checked out the situation. My husband had to go over to their house right after to help their dad lift something but he knew to be careful and he was.

Today was stressful because of my anxiety with germs. It started early in the morning when I read about another FB friend with the stomach flu in the town where the birthday party was that we were invited to. Then the grocery store. Then I had to call and cancel our invite to the birthday party. Then the neighbor thing... seriously is it Spring yet? I need this cold/flu season to be over! It is driving me crazy.

Plans, Lies & Guilt

So it's been awhile since I posted. I had a lot to post about too but instead of playing catch up let's just go from today. So last week one little girl was not at dance because she was sick. I don't know what she had but when the teacher said that her mom said they were all kind of sick there I immediately jumped to stomach flu/norovirus. My trigger!

I immediately started making plans for not going the next week (this week) because "what if" that little girl is still contagious. I don't have her mom on my dance mom's facebook list so I have no way of seeing if she posted about any kind of illness there.

So here we are at home and dance class starts in 7 minutes. We aren't going and I feel guilty. I feel guilty because the real reason she isn't going is because I'm afraid of what that little girl had and I'm afraid maybe just maybe she is still contagious. I thought I was doing pretty good but this is a major step-back.

Scenario 1 - Dance Class

My plan - to find out what that little girl had. I don't know and at this point I don't want to know. What I don't know is usually better. My only concern now is if she is still contagious will the other little girl in the class (there are only 3 girls) get it now?? I have to not think about that and luckily her mom is on my FB feed and we are semi-friends. My plan for bad weather well there is a Winter storm coming so I called her teacher last night and said we weren't going because of the weather. It turns out the weather is FINE right now. All of the mess is coming tonight. That would have been perfect if class just got cancelled on it's own... but it didn't.

Lies - I lied to her teacher because normally I would wait to see what the weather was like. The real reason was I freaked out about germs since one of the girls was sick last week. I then posted to FB that my little girl was upset she was missing (in reality she doesn't even know she is missing it). Then I said my husband had my car today anyway because he had to get a scratch fixed on his car. This was a half truth. Yes, he went to get a scratch fixed but he did not take my car.

Guilt - I feel horrible. We should have gone to dance today. There was no reason not to go. The only reason we didn't go was because of my OCD and phobia. Next time I will try to be stronger.

Scenario 2 - The Birthday Party

We were invited to a birthday this weekend. We aren't going.

The original plan - to go. It will be fun. So I RSVP that we would all be there. Then I talked to my friend and said that it would just be me and my 3 year old. That was still fine and less stressful overall for me. Then I saw that there would be 30+ people there. For real!? Well it's her whole family and some of her daughter's friends. This revved up my anxiety for sure! That's a lot of people in one house but I still wanted to go. Then I started to think 'what if' someone is sick there or has been sick this past week. Then I decided that the party doesn't even start until 4 and it's an hour and a half away so that is a bit ridiculous. I would be out past my daughter's bed time and driving home at night in the dark in the Winter. That right there is excuse enough to not go but I already told my friend I would come. I know why she is having it at 4, she is working around her daughter's nap. If I lived closer the time wouldn't be an issue.

The lie - I don't know why but telling her the truth doesn't seem comfortable to me because we've talked on the phone several time about me coming and how excited she was that we were. We talked about how late it was and I didn't bring it up then either. So now I'm stuck so I came up with another plan and the lie. I posted of facebook that we were staying home from dance today because my youngest had a runny nose. My plan/lie is to say on Saturday that my oldest now has a runny nose and low-grade fever. I know this is all complicated but in my head it makes sense. Even though I hate lying about sickness this time I feel I have to. Next time I won't RSVP so quickly - I will let my crazy head think things through first. I could still go with the truth this time but I still feel bad. I figured if she sees one kid is sick today that it will be more believable on Saturday when I say the other one is now. I always get myself into these predicaments but I don't want to lose another friend so I don't want to just back out because of the time. I hope she understands. I am still contemplating the truth.

The guilt - I feel bad about not going because it would be fun for my daughter and my friend bought certain toys/games for the party with my crazy germ phobia in mind. (She bought party clappers instead of blow toys so no one would swap germs that way). For that I feel guilty.

Well dance class is officially over now so I can't go back on my decision. No more second guessing. Just forgiving myself and moving on....

***UPDATE*** As coincidence would have it. I logged onto FB and the other little girl (the sick one not on my facebook feed) added me as a friend. She probably saw my post on the dance sight. It turns out they did NOT have a stomach virus but I'm bracing myself.... they were at Chuck-E-Cheese last night - yikes! Fingers crossed they do not pick something else up from there!

More guilt - Now I feel like i used my one 'get out of jail free card' by skipping today. I should have gone!!

Donuts! Really!?

I reluctantly sent my husband shopping this morning. It was mostly because the roads weren't ideal and I hate driving when I think they might be icy or slippery. Then I remembered last time he went (last week) he put his phone on the card to watch CNN the entire time!!! Ugh so I asked him (nicely) to not do that again and do you know what happened? A morning argument. Just what I wanted to wake up to. All I want is for him to please not do it right now but this morning for whatever reason he decided to pick a fight with me about it. :(

Anyway... I let it go. This is HUGE for me and maybe I should have gone now because he came back with donuts! The bakery ones, the ones people touch!!! OMG this is like going to a restaurant right now. I liken going to a restaurant to playing Russian Roulette with the Norovirus right now.  I resisted at first asking him to not let the kids see them then he pushed again and said they were getting them.... as hard as it was I let them have it. Fingers crossed they do NOT get anything from these. I skipped on the donuts. I also realized that my husband didn't wash his hands after putting some of the groceries away and then served the kids the donuts. .DEEP BREATH.

Just when one countdown was over another has begun!

The Waiting Game....

So today was Paige's dance class. I was happy because Jake was home so I didn't have to take Chloe too. It's just harder with my germ phobia to have her too because she is harder to control in the environment since she no longer lets me just hold her the entire time. Things went fine from what I saw. Then as we were leaving Paige unwrapped her sucker (they get one after each class) and held the top of it in the palm of her hand then stuck it in her mouth.

Deep breath... deep breath... if there were any germs on there it's too late now. I just let her finish it. I did wipe her hands off so I hope if there was anything on there that it was gone before she did that. One of my concerns is that the assistant comes straight from a high school - a school! So we'll see.... if she doesn't get sick by the end of the weekend I will get 4 days of calm before this waiting game starts again.

Is it Spring yet?

Whenever I start to relax...

Just when I think things may be tapering off I see posts again about the stomach flu! My Zumba instructor has it now. I didn't go last night and chances are it will be cancelled tomorrow too. I'm probably not going to go anyway because it is way too cold outside (subzero cold!). I noticed the regular flu looks like it may have peaked and states are starting to report lesser amounts so I assumed this pesky stomach bug probably did too.... then I see the post from someone local!!! Anxiety is up.... again....

And of course I am obsessed with tracking her post now to see who else posts that they have it and where they live!! Ugh.... I hate this!! I hate it!

Dance Class - Week 2

So.... week 2 was today but this was the first day I had my youngest with me. That was stressful! She no longer will let me hold her the entire time and she grabs and whines for the toys there. I brought books but she didn't want those. I gave her things from my purse but she just threw them on the floor. I finally gave her the toy she wanted after I wiped it off (but not good enough). She was all over the chairs and those are so dirty - so GERMY! 10 more weeks of this is going to be very difficult!!! I wish she would just let me hold her. Maybe next time I will bring the LeapPad and see if watching Calliou will help! It's only 30 minutes... if that doesn't work I will have to think of something else.

Then the teacher gave both girls a sucker which was a fight on the way home. When the baby was younger and didn't care I let  the oldest eat it in the car but for several reasons I don't want her to do that anymore. One she bites suckers now so I don't like that in the car and I can't let her do it and not the baby so it will have to wait until we get home.

The youngest was upset in the car because I took the sucker away and because the oldest got a new dance bag. I gave the youngest a little diaper bag to go through but she was frustrated with it when it didn't open right away and what did she do? Stuck her fingers in her mouth!!!! My immediate thoughts were "did I wipe her hands off?" Did I do it well enough? Please have her not pick up any germs!! We just got over a cold with her. So now the waiting begins.... 2-3 days to see if they get sick to have 4-5 days to relax until it happens again. I don't know how other mothers do this. How do they just gather together several times a week and not worry? It is so stressful!

So now I'm trying to de-germ when we get home. My oldest is stuffing everything in her new bag (including her nasty tennis shoes), she is screaming for her bear that we brought to dance class for her routine. I don't want her to have the bear because it's germy and would rather it just sit in her back to de-germ until next week. The more I try to convince her otherwise, the more she wants it so I just wipe the bear off to somewhat calm my nerves and give her the bear. Luckily she went back to her favorite toys almost immediately. 

So now I'm dealing with the suckers... both girls want them and they want them now! I wipe off their hands (again), wipe off the sticks of the suckers (because they touched them with their germy hands). I give them the suckers. I wash my hands for probably the 4th time since we've been home and try to pick up the mess we made on the way in. The girls were hungry and crabby so I give them snacks and more snacks, the baby pours her juice box all over the floor (I knew I shouldn't have tried those again yet). I am so stressed that I shove several cookies into my mouth - yeah that's real good for my immune system. Especially since a mother sneezed right towards me and the baby  in the waiting room - she did cover with her hands so hopefully we avoided it if it was anything.

I just want it to be Spring. I know there are still germs but there are less germs. This is an exceptionally bad year for flu and my main concern is any stomach virus. My anxiety is always less in the other non-flu season times of the year. I knew it would be hard to go out during the cold/flu season but the truth is the girls will be in school one day and I can't avoid it then so I should try a little now right? Plus I do want to have fun with them but how much fun is it if I'm always so uptight? I'm glad that part settles down for me in the warmer months.